If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.

To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment's messy I need to clean it. It's like before you start doing your homework or studying for a test, you have to have a clean room.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.

Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.