Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it.

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term 'happily ever after' lived reasonably well for a while.

Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.

I'm afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation.