Clowns have no respect for pie.

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.