The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

I love Steven Wright.

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.