I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.

I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.