Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live."

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

I would like a ship for the hips, please. Ships and hips. Hipsters to stir with their hips on the hip ships. And, of course, hips. Yeah, hip. That's me. I also like sips. I'm a slow drinker. A sipster. I'm a sipster hipster comedian. Yeah, sips. But more hips. Hip, hipster, hip star, hiptard. Definitely.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.