Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live."

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.

If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.