Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.