Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.

It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.

There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.

For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.

The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.

I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?