Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room... can even bring things to a climax.