Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.

It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.

There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.