I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.