I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.

When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.