When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying."

If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.

I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.