I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.
Demetri MartinYou get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.
Demetri MartinI think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"
Demetri MartinI love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.
Demetri Martin