A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I'm calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"