A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.

Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That's cool when it's on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you're left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn't have a job... Sweet, that's a catch.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

This is a pie chart about procrastination.

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.