I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen.