Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?

I love Steven Wright.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

I call it 'new forms'. When you're starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you're a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music... I gotta carry the show, that's the problem.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.

The question is, 'how bad at sports were you as a kid?' I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren't tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers.