I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.