I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.

What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.