Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.

Clowns have no respect for pie.

I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.

Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.