Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

Once I started to look i finally began to see.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.