I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn't it?