I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!

When I used to go on the Wikipedia page, and I haven't gone on the page in a while, there used to be some guy who was doing my page and he would say that he was my cousin and I was going to be doing projects with him. I don't know who this person is and I don't have a cousin by this name and this person keeps saying that they're doing projects with me. It's so weird.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.

If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.