I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.