I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.

Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.

'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards.