I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".