I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?

I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.

I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.