I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.

Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.