I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.