I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either