I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.

I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.

My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.