I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I love Steven Wright.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.

The problem with most people, is that they are most people.