I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.

There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.

If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.