I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.