The problem with most people, is that they are most people.

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.