The problem with most people, is that they are most people.

Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room... can even bring things to a climax.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.