Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.

I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.

My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.

How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.

I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live."