Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'

You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?