Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, "You've got one year left. Just do it." I had a full scholarship so I didn't have to pay for it. They asked, "Why don't you just get the degree so you can have it?" And I said, "You don't understand. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do and now I know. I have the answer and it's dumb to waste any more time."

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.