I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.

When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.