I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.

I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.

I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.

I'm afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation.

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.