I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.