Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.