Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.