Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.

'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

I travel alone so much, and the first thought is to grab the damn phone. In airports, just look around. Nobody looks at anybody, or even out the window. It's obvious we can't live without it anymore, and as a comic on the road the phone is an essential tool. It's probably doing more good than bad for me, but it does make me sad that those of us who grew up without mobile phones, we know what we're missing.

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

When I used to go on the Wikipedia page, and I haven't gone on the page in a while, there used to be some guy who was doing my page and he would say that he was my cousin and I was going to be doing projects with him. I don't know who this person is and I don't have a cousin by this name and this person keeps saying that they're doing projects with me. It's so weird.