Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

I always wanted to do a movie, because I love the movies. They give you a chance to have an intimacy with your audience that is different from stand up. With movies, you can bring the audience in with a close up, and emote in a different way.

For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.

Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.