Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?

Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.