When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"

Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.