When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.

The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?

When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.

Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.