When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.

Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here."

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics" "Oh yeah, that's cool, i wanna watch the fat guy" "Come on dude, you can take that hill"

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.