Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays.

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.