Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.

I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.

Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.