When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.

I'm afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation.

They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.