Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.