One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'

Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.

I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.

Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

I travel alone so much, and the first thought is to grab the damn phone. In airports, just look around. Nobody looks at anybody, or even out the window. It's obvious we can't live without it anymore, and as a comic on the road the phone is an essential tool. It's probably doing more good than bad for me, but it does make me sad that those of us who grew up without mobile phones, we know what we're missing.

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".