One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.