I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.

I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.

I love Steven Wright.

I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.

I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays.

Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.