I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.