I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn't it?

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.

At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.