99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.

Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.