99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live."

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.