99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That's cool when it's on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you're left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn't have a job... Sweet, that's a catch.

Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.