It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live."

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.