Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.