Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.