I need to develop some patience - immediately.

I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.

I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.