If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.

A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.

I call it 'new forms'. When you're starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you're a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music... I gotta carry the show, that's the problem.

I love Steven Wright.

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.