If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'

Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.