If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started.

Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.

I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.

I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.