A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.
Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.
Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.
I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'