When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.