When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?

Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.