I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.