Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays.

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, "Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good." Hopefully it balances out.

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you

A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.