Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'

There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.

I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.