Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.