I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn't it?

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

I would like a ship for the hips, please. Ships and hips. Hipsters to stir with their hips on the hip ships. And, of course, hips. Yeah, hip. That's me. I also like sips. I'm a slow drinker. A sipster. I'm a sipster hipster comedian. Yeah, sips. But more hips. Hip, hipster, hip star, hiptard. Definitely.

They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton".