I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.

A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot.

They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!