I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here."

I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't know how much it's about the journey, but it's more about the process.