I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.