Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.

Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.