Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.