Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.