Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience.

I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities; that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us; there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.