Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.

Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.