It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).