If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!"

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities; that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us; there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.