If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.

Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.