Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.

Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.

I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.

I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.

It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.