Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.

When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.

There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.