Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.

If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.