Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.

It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.