Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.