Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.

I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.

If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.

I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.