Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.

There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.

I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.