I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.

It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.

They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.