I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'